Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? Simply, How To Deal With A Husband Who Wont Talk To You About Anything, 7 Simple Tips To Be Happy In An Unhappy Marriage, 13 Sad Signs Of A Selfish Husband (+ How To Deal With Him), 5 Reasons You Feel Trapped In Your Relationship/Marriage, 16 Surefire Ways To Get Your Marriage Back On Track, 14 Signs Of Emotional Neglect In A Relationship, How To Deal With Someone Who Repeatedly Disrespects Your Boundaries, How To Get People To Respect You: 7 No Bullsh*t Tips That Actually Work. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. This may lead him to feel the need to exaggerate how important they are to him in order to maintain closeness. Even by those he loves. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. All about sneakers. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. Perhaps, whatever free time he does get between work and other responsibilities, he spends it hanging out with his friends. So it could be an alternative day arrangement. And, in case you find yourself helpless to protect your wifes honor and dignity at least dont stop her from protecting herself. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. You teach them that they are, in fact, NOT the center of the universe and that the best way to live is to be aware of other people's needs. So what happens when, whether in times of conflict or otherwise, your husband chooses his family over you? He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. Hell just continue choosing his family over you. It's always a good thing to see your husband spending time with his family and . Couples who live in the same house as their in-laws have the feeling as if theyre married to the whole family. Understand husband chooses his family because he doesnt know how not to. It is up to them as a couple how they work through it. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? Hes the one who has the power to start working on himself. Its fine to be a son, but dont forget you are a husband too! It breaks my heart that when I was insulted, you never stood up for me. Problems arise when you leave the house early, barely speaking to or connecting with your wife before you dash out the door. Suggest spending more time together as a family. 2. You remember the movieMeet the Fockers? If it has come to the point that you needed to put that question into words, the chances are that youre not going to like the reply as well. Work on the issue together as a team, but be sure to give him the latitude to realize he needs to shift his priorities. We serve, Reduce import duty to curb gold smuggling: Malabar Group Chairman MP Ahammed, By subscribing to newsletter, you acknowledge our, Find out about the latest Lifestyle, Fashion & Beauty Trends, Relationship tips & the buzz on Health & Food, Live: Gulshan calls out nepotism in south industry, SRK's fanfare could give Pathaan a 35-cr opening, Take cues from Janhvi's saree, lehenga looks. There is no big secret to things, just play the game wisely. All Rights Reserved | Contact Us | Advertise | Privacy Policy, If Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, Heres What To Do. Youre contemplating the reasons for his actions and even if the two of you have a future together anymore. Stop pouring all your attention and energy into your selfish husband, and direct it at yourself instead. He asks you to lie about wanting kids or about being Catholic, so that she'll approve of you. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. Thats no way to have a healthy marriage. I didn't have to explain myself differently he understood me. 3. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. 12 Things To Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family Over You, 1. My husband chooses his family over me. Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage, Setting Boundaries With In-laws 8 No Fail Tips, 5 reasons why the Indian family is killing the Indian marriage, 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents, The 7 Ways Mothers-In-Law Ruin Marriages With Tips On How To Save Yours, Distancing Yourself From In-Laws The 7 Tips That Almost Always Work, 8 Effective Ways To Deal With A Jealous Daughter-In-Law, How To Talk To Your Husband When The Other Woman Is His Mother, How To Impress Your In-laws In The First Meeting, 10 Thoughts That Come To Your Mind When Your Mother-In-Law Visits You, 10 Ways To Deal With Disrespectful In-laws, 15 Clever Ways To Deal With A Manipulative, Scheming Mother-In-Law. Dear Dr. Buckingham, I've been married for eleven years and have one 8-year-old child. You hardly have the guts to stand for the person, who left everything for you her family, her home! They claim to be their knight in the shining armor. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? Make it clear to him that you do not take kindly to his mother's interference in small things like this. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? At times, mothers-in-law deliberately start to distance the daughters-in-law, or at times they would taunt or tease, or they would still invite their sons ex-partners to the events. You honor your parents when you put your spouse first. If you see that your husband is prioritising his family and spending time with them more, then you can also start doing the same. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. "My husband always supports his mother" - the more you let this thought fester in your mind, the harder it will be to accept their bond. She believes that everyone should make room for love in their lives and encourages couples to work on overcoming their challenges together. The problem was, he loved them more than me." When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. Sit him down and make it very clear to him that this is absolutely not cool with you. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. That is not done. There are no constant knocks on the door by his family to get their thoughts across. While this can become a sore point in the relationship, its not something you may want to jeopardize your marriage over. In such cases, the men are stuck in between the mother and the wife. If you cant make me your priority; then stop expecting me to make you my priority. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. He had told me, throughout our marriage and the last month, that he wasn't changing. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. If your husband is selfish, he may not realize the rewards of being generous and kind. Catherine Winter is a writer, art director, and herbalist based in Quebec's Outaouais region. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. However, if the boundaries are shaky and a man's . And when this line of defense fails, the first crack in the marriage appears. Men have the tendency to live with their parents longer, 2. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. It is scientifically proven that men cannot handle stress well and would duck whenever they would have to select between the wife and the mother. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. Especially when children come along. His and your family will always be part of your marriage. Just because you feel neglected and want him to ignore his family for the rest of his life, doesnt mean he has to accept that. Men are mysterious creatures and mostly they keep things for themselves. That's why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. Ask him to ensure that his parents dont overspend a lot, the same way you maintain a strict budget. So those nights you choose alcohol over me, please remember, I make you a priority, even when you have no reason to be one. Its just that the bond that he has with his family is strong and you have to show him that he has a family on his own now. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. Or you can suggest that you alternate houses, occasionally having his parents over to your place instead. It is fine not to take sides. How could you act like everything is normal? A caring son could also mean a caring husband. If you are living with the in-laws you cannot really restrict relative visits because the elderly people are usually free to entertain guests. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Mothers have a distinct bond with their children; they can sense their childs need almost telepathically. The attitude starts to shuffle, the ideas are different, the future plans are different, and their responsibilities shift. They are the only known and loved the face in a house full of strangers, at times. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. Of course, theyre important to him. Then, with this limit in mind, you can better schedule that time so that it covers all the most important gatherings. Health . Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? In the first case, the act of leaving is a, What Do Bible Verses Say About Family Unity and Peace, 5 Tips on Dealing with Disrespectful In-Laws, 6 Ways of Coping With In-Laws When You Feel Like an Outlaw, 7 Tips for Nurturing Family Relationships in Foster Care, Suggestions For Successfully Blending Families, The Ultimate Guide to Family Planning: Key Questions Answered, Types of Family Planning Methods and Their Effectiveness, 10 Signs of Toxic in-laws And How to deal with their behavior, 15 Tips for Setting Boundaries With Your in-Laws, 50 Best Things to Talk About With Your Boyfriend. He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. Angry Netizens Call Akshay Creepy Old Uncle As His Video Of Lifting Actresses In Arms Goes Viral, Pimples Vs Cold Sores: Differences, Causes & Treatment, 16 Hair Fall Reasons Behind Your Sudden Hair Loss. P.S. Because respect is a two-way street. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. Healthy communication with your partner means you always talk about everything with him and make all of your decisions together. This can cause a lot of trust issues and distress in the marriage. This can get complicated if the parents are helping you financially. If you see that most of your husbands income is given away to his parents for the upkeep of their home and you are left struggling with the finances at the end of the month, then it becomes really frustrating. Except a zombie would actually acknowledge your existence. And thats a beautiful thing. As odd as it sounds, theres a logical explanation for this. In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. Whenever I was insulted, I stayed silent to maintain the sanity of the house, hoping you will try to make your parents understand their faults. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. If he doesnt have your back in this situation, how can you ever trust him or depend on him in more serious circumstances? Instead, consider it a way of filling up the time when your husband is unavailable to you by surrounding yourself with people you love. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. Follow us at: This website uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on our website. No relationship is worth tolerating abuse and disrespect for. Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? Take the example of Meenu and Rajesh, who are both well in their 50s and have been married for more than two decades. If your husband puts his family ahead of you and your children, communicating in thoughtful and direct ways is an important first step in helping him change his priorities Your Wife, Your Priority If your husband constantly chooses or sides with his family over you, it is time for the two of you to take a hard look at your priorities. Or, if he goes away to get help at a rehab facility, this will give you and your girls sufficient distance from his struggles. If your husband isnt willing to support you and stand up for you while youre being disrespected by his parents, siblings, or extended family members, then you need to ask yourself whether youre okay facing that kind of abuse forever. Lisa Marie Wilson, Contributor. Dont let your emotions govern your actions and dont let them turn into resentment. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. Your husband is in control of his life, not you. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. Men, generally, promise to be there for their wives, to never leave them alone, to be their protector, and what not. And now after 4 years of marriage, when I am insulted in front of you, you hardly have a word to say. Women, here, have the upper hand. In many cases, it has also happened that a husband has relocated his entire family abroad because his parents wanted him to stay near them. Rather than reducing my pain, you asked me to develop a habit of bearing that pain silently. Be completely open with him and tell him how these relationships have been making you feel isolated and neglected. If they try to pressure you into agreeing with them, you will have to stand firm and refuse to give in. So most often what happens is the husband keeps fulfilling the financial and psychological needs of his family and the wife and his own children are often asked to compromise. Men, at times of conflict, either run away or take their mothers side. Because marriage isnt about who is wrong and who is right. #relationships #relationshiptips #marriage What to Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family over You? But why do men choose their families over their wives in the first place? Second, by allowing him to. However, the relationship, in itself, is not as easy. If he chooses his mom over you thats his prerogative. Sadly, many women believe that they can read their partners minds. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. 4. Life & Culture, About Us. But not choose her publicly. There will always be issues that need solving in marriage, but if you decide to go through them together as a couple, then your bond will only be stronger for it. Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? Thats why your husband chooses his family over you because his connection with his family never evolved to the next level. So, take a step back and breathe. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. In those helpless moments, I would just pray to God that for once He exchanges our places. When you call me at 4 a.m. please remember that unlike you, my priorities do not consist of getting drunk. But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. My wife constantly pleaded with me to not drink, not drink too much, or to not go out at all I'd still go out, drink too much and get drunk . This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. If I come last for you, then you dont deserve the right to come first for me.. Our vision is to become a supportive community where youll feel that theres someone out there who gets you, supports you in creating and keeping strong bonds between your families and friends. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. But if theyre hurting you and making you feel disrespected, then yes this is a big deal indeed. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. If you cant stand for her, let her at least stand for herself. So its time to act as such. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Lets get this straight. Besides having a family holiday does not mean having the elderly with you all the time. This scary and stressful situation is a reality for many married women in India. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. Is in control of his family over you thats his prerogative isolated and neglected are different the... Energy into your selfish husband, when your husband chooses his family over you quotes everyone should make room for in! For dinner, 3 a habit of bearing that pain silently absolutely not cool with you start on! I am going to stand for myself, even if you cant make me your priority ; stop. Going to stand for the person, who left everything for you her family, home! Need be Indian mothers do not let go of their legitimate business interest without for... Parents house for dinner feel the need to establish dominance in this situation, how can you trust! 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